Beauty – the greatest time and money suck of all time

When are we going to address the great female oppressor? I am not talking about men or our children. By oppressor, I mean the ongoing quest for beauty and youth. Female maintenance is spiraling out of control. Not only is it sucking our pockets dry, it is sucking time out of already too busy schedules. Yesterday, I noticed the store in the mall dedicated solely to eyebrow beauty. It holds more real estate than the Disney Store. What exactly is eyebrow beauty? And, it isn’t only the 35 and older crowd looking for the next best thing. Young women getting ready for the prom (I refuse to leave off the “the” in front of prom) and 20-something year olds getting ready for a night out are scheduling more and more outrageous beauty treatments. The scariest thing about this is the natural progression of the eyebrow wax to the botox to the face lift.  By the time these girls reach their 40s, they will all look exactly the same – cat eyes, immobile forehead, cartoonishly high cheekbones, enormous lips, and  cleavage Mother Nature did not intend.

I got married on New Year’s Eve in 1998. I think I splurged on a brand new eyeliner and mascara, got a plain old mani/pedi, bought a new tweezer and razor, and hired someone to attach my veil. My cousin is getting married this New Year’s Eve. Here is a list of things I am actually considering. Let me remind you, I am not the bride, I am not a bridesmaid. I have five children and I am getting to that age where clean and presentable should be good enough. No one will be looking at me. Nonetheless, this is what is on the table. (My husband, by the way, will put on deodorant and will look like a million bucks.)

Eyebrow shaping — $15

Leg and bikini wax — $95

Highlights and cut — $200+

Facial peel — $150

Spray tan — $50

Spray tan with contouring (to mimic some sort of tone) — $70

Three day cleanse — $195

Miracle (which won’t even be enough) bra — $75

False eyelashes — $40

Gel manicure — $45

Spanx — $50

Professional hairstyle — $75

Professional make-up application — $100

Hypocrisy ………. Priceless! – Call me Joan Rivers and let’s get this party started!!

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